Tom Swifties

The New York Times Schott's Vocab blog is having a Tom Swifties competition this weekend.

http://schott.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/05/weekend-competition-tom-swifties/

The funniest so far is this raunchy one:

“I learned a lot of new things in Paris: said Tom, indifferently.

— Arthur J. Shaw III

I challenged myself to do an adverb for every letter of the alphabet. Some of the less awful ones were:

“I fell asleep by the pool!” said Tom appealingly.

“We’ll close Guantanamo when we figure out where to house the detainees,” said Obama, cagily.

“I finally got my converter box working,” said Tom, ecstatically.

“Before braising organs you must cut away all excess fat,” said Tom heartrenderingly.

“These chest-building exercises aren’t working for me,” said Tom, impeccably.

“We flood Turkmenistan. The Sixth Fleet moves in from the Caspian Sea, attacking Al Qaeda from the west while the Third Marines sweep in from the east,” Admiral Mullen strategized knavishly.

“I shall apply this feather to every inch of your body,” said Tom, meticulously.

“I’m a sucker for All You Can Eat Pizza,” said Tom, obeisantly.

“My latest invention is a Candy Vaporizer!” said Tom, pessimistically.

“You won’t get any publicity unless I implant at least five,” said Tom, quintessentially.

“My latest invention is a Bugger Bundler!” said Tom, rhapsodically.

“In my new job I report to the housemaid,” said Tom, subserviently.

“I would lick Leonard Cohen’s toes,” said Tom, sycophantically.

“Use any means necessary to find the link between Sadaam and Al Qaeda!” said Dick torturously.

“Dammit, be on time!” Tom ululated.

“I just about break even on my trips to Vegas,” said Tom winsomely.

"It appears he was crocodiled or giant pythoned," said Tom, verbatim.

“I hate Greek paradoxes!” yelled Tom xenophobically.

Dueling Limericks

As we all know, blogging and commenting on blogs is about 10% bonhomie and 90% ego. I can think of no finer illustration of this than the recent series of comments on a New York Times blog about a mackerel recipe.

http://bitten.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/21/saving-money-on-dinner/#more-2425

All is sweetness and light until one Robert Rothman weights in with an entry that is mostly about the virtues of fileting your own fish, but closes with:

"Of course, given that it was mackerel, I could understand if one is afraid that the stench might forever contaminate your knives if you clean it yourself."

I love this sort of thing, and was delighted to see another commenter (sucker) riposte with an entirely ad hominem remark:

"My, my Robert you certainly are full of yourself aren’t you? What happened, couldn’t find something to rhyme with mackerel?"

It gets better! Someone else chimes in with:

"I know you won’t post this...but what I don’t comprehend is why “Richard Rothman” comments are published daily. This person is one of the most negative, surly, nasty and opinionated..."

Rather paranoid, it seems, as the comment is clearly posted. But this sets up the pins for Rothman's preemptive strike:

"If you’re going to engage in personal abuse, you might at least get my name right."

Followed closely by:

"As requested:

"An odiferous fish, name of mackerel
"Is oft eaten by birds, like the black gull,
"Though I, for one, think,
"That the damn thing does stink,
"Some folks eat those fish by the sackful."

This is where I come along. This is good stuff, but the rhyme in Rothman's limerick seems a bit fishy, so I look it up. Aha! (Remember, this is 90% ego.) So I post something along the lines of:

"It's fair game for a poet to choose a convenient pronunciation, but my dictionary and dictionary.com both show the preferred pronunciation as mack'-er-uhl (three syllables), which I'm sure is what the challenging poster had in mind. This is slightly more difficult...

"When packing a picnic of mackerel
"Throw in some ice cubes and pack 'er full.
"This keeps it from spoiling
"So your guts won't go boiling
"But still it will smell like a knacker's cull."

But no! I get the dreaded "Your comment will appear when it is approved"! What sane person at the Grey Old Lady would approve that comment? And that's why, dear reader, you see it here.

Remember, this is 90% ego.