I'm very disappointed in the quality of scam spam. Do African bankers have only capital letters on their keyboards? Am I really expected to believe my bank is sending me urgent email? Not to mention all those other banks I don't have accounts at.
Don't you think the subject "Re: Hi" is the product of an extremely dull mind? I get about 25 of those a day. Here's a clue. I have never, ever sent an email subject "Hi", and if I ever did, I doubt I'd forget who I sent it to.
And those names. Phineas J. Blaspheme. Wanker T. Most. I'm supposed to believe I'm getting mail from a Harry Potter character?
Not to mention all the breezy notes from Suzi, Cherie, Muffy and Jeri. "Need a lift?" "You'll get a rise out of this."
Oh, yeah.
And even though the subject "V * t * A * g * rr * A" doesn't set of my Gaussian spam filter, it does set off my personal spam alarm.
All I can figure is that spam is some sort of weird denial-of-service attack. You can't read your email until you've manually clicked away the spam that gets past the filter. They're hoping to wear out our click fingers. After that, world domination!
I'm thinking I could do better.
"Nigerian school could use your help"
"Hi,"
"Maybe you've been reading that our government is promoting the city of Calabar, where I live, as a tourist destination. That may happen someday, and we do hope you'll come visit us, but in the meantime, the residents of our city are in a very bad way. There are practically no jobs and even able-bodied men are forced to support their families by composing email to send to residents of wealthier nations requesting contributions.
"The problem is, returns from these emails are very low, because many people here have poor English skills and, because they have no money, are untrained in internet etiquette. What seems to them to be a quite plausible plea from a banker who needs help getting funds out of the country is dismissed at a glance by the more sophisticated people who receive it."
"To aid my fellow countrymen and increase prosperity in our city, I have founded the Nigerian School for Advanced English Studies. With the sparse funds at my disposal, I have been able to attract a few elderly Englishmen to serve as teachers and have enrolled several dozen students in our first year of classes. But the need is so much greater. There are hundreds of people clamoring to get in, but we cannot accommodate them. We desperately need teachers who are fluent in U.S. and Canadian English, but we cannot afford them."
"Could you please help? You would be amazed to see how far even $5 or $10 will go in this country. Your contribution will help assure continuing, quality education for our many young adults who wish to better themselves. Please give just a little. You will do a great deal of good. All contributions tax-deductible."
