Semantic Web Cheer

Never let
Pipe dreams ebb
Next big thing
Semantic Web!
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Web reborn
As database
Of all the lies
Of the human race!
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Semantic Semantic Look At Me!
Semantic Semantic Me Me Me

5 Good Reasons to Wonder Why

5. Mark Cuban dancing.

4. Countrywide refinancing.

3. Joe Biden chancing.

2. Thompson advancing.

1. George Bush prancing.

Spam and Pron in No Particular Order

I guess I was wrong, in my previous entry, to assume that modern blogging software has better comment spam filters. Out of the four comments it drew, two were really ads for other blogs and two were, uh, spam. Or it could be my writing reminded someone of free porn. Just to keep my personal yuk factor down, I'd like to ask readers to keep their hands out of their pants while reading my stuff. 

I'm very disappointed in the quality of scam spam. Do African bankers have only capital letters on their keyboards? Am I really expected to believe my bank is sending me urgent email? Not to mention all those other banks I don't have accounts at. Don't you think the subject "Re: Hi" is the product of an extremely dull mind? I get about 25 of those a day. Here's a clue. I have never, ever sent an email subject "Hi", and if I ever did, I doubt I'd forget who I sent it to. 

And those names. Phineas J. Blaspheme. Wanker T. Most. I'm supposed to believe I'm getting mail from a Harry Potter character? Not to mention all the breezy notes from Suzi, Cherie, Muffy and Jeri. "Need a lift?" "You'll get a rise out of this." 

Oh, yeah. And even though the subject "V * t * A * g * rr * A" doesn't set of my Gaussian spam filter, it does set off my personal spam alarm. 

All I can figure is that spam is some sort of weird denial-of-service attack. You can't read your email until you've manually clicked away the spam that gets past the filter. They're hoping to wear out our click fingers. After that, world domination! 

I'm thinking I could do better. 

"Nigerian school could use your help"

"Hi,"

"Maybe you've been reading that our government is promoting the city of Calabar, where I live, as a tourist destination. That may happen someday, and we do hope you'll come visit us, but in the meantime, the residents of our city are in a very bad way. There are practically no jobs and even able-bodied men are forced to support their families by composing email to send to residents of wealthier nations requesting contributions. "The problem is, returns from these emails are very low, because many people here have poor English skills and, because they have no money, are untrained in internet etiquette. What seems to them to be a quite plausible plea from a banker who needs help getting funds out of the country is dismissed at a glance by the more sophisticated people who receive it."

"To aid my fellow countrymen and increase prosperity in our city, I have founded the Nigerian School for Advanced English Studies. With the sparse funds at my disposal, I have been able to attract a few elderly Englishmen to serve as teachers and have enrolled several dozen students in our first year of classes. But the need is so much greater. There are hundreds of people clamoring to get in, but we cannot accommodate them. We desperately need teachers who are fluent in U.S. and Canadian English, but we cannot afford them."

"Could you please help? You would be amazed to see how far even $5 or $10 will go in this country. Your contribution will help assure continuing, quality education for our many young adults who wish to better themselves. Please give just a little. You will do a great deal of good. All contributions tax-deductible."

Starting over

[I began this blog a couple of years ago on my own website but I lost interest when the only comments I got were Viagra spam and offers to bail out Mexican prisoners, so I let it go. Today I reread some of the old stuff and realized it was a lot better than my new stuff! So I must have got something right back then. And todays blogger software has better spam protection. And fewer of my relatives are in Mexican jails. Anyway, it's back!

Below is the very first post from the old blog in early 2003.]

When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. But when you have a sense of humor...

The world is your oyster. If you think oysters are funny. Otherwise, the world is your Weight Watchers Frozen Dessert.

I know I'm not the only person in the world who thinks those are funny. I see people in the supermarket, snickering in the frozen food aisle. Thin people. People with nothing to lose. Fat people don't laugh at dessert. Dessert is to be taken seriously. The Right Honorable Cupcake. His Excellency, the Chancellor of Fudge. The Royal Ambassador to the Court of St. Twinkie.

If you go to one of those meetings, what do you suppose you will talk about to take mind off food? That's right. Food. "Have you tried those new Styrofoam Cows? They're as cold as ice cream and a whole lot of crunching for just 2 points!" Recipes. "This recipe makes five gallons of stew and you can have half a cup for just 3 points. My husband loves it when I make this." Dining out. "I'll have a Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich, hold the ham, hold the cheese, hold the bun. Can I sub a dill pickle for those fries? Are you sure this is Diet? I'll need a doggie bag for the pickle."

Face it, when you're trying to lose weight, all you can think about is food. A normal person thinks about food two-three times a day. A dieter thinks about anything else two-three times a week. Food becomes so interesting. It's not just for eating anymore, it's a pasttime, a hobby, a vocation. "Where have you been for the last five hours?" "I went to the supermarket to pick up some ice." "My God, what did you buy?" "Ice."

Good marketing is you find a need and fill it. Great marketing is you find an obsession and throw a saddle on it. Weight Watchers are pikers. This could be a whole category of future products. Nico-Ban Pacifiers. (Suck on this!)

Twelve Step Wasabi Shooters.

I'd share more but a guy has to make a living. My idea for 99% Antiseptic Hand Soap (Wash again to get 99% of the remaining 1%!!) got out and, well, everybody knows the Compulsoap story.